For Years, I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me

For years, I thought something was wrong with me. For a long time, I didn’t understand myself. I always felt different.

My mind seemed to be constantly racing, and I was often searching for excitement or something that would help me switch off.

Looking back, I made choices I’m not proud of. At the time, though, I didn’t really understand why I kept repeating certain patterns.

I just thought there was something wrong with me.

Understanding Myself Later in Life

Years later, learning more about myself helped me look back at those years with more understanding and compassion.

Part of that understanding came later in life, when I realised I’m ADHD and autistic.

Suddenly, different parts of my life began to make more sense. It didn’t change what had happened. It didn’t erase the choices I’d made.

And it certainly didn’t remove my responsibility for those choices. But it changed the way I understood myself.

As I’ve gone through perimenopause, I’ve also found it harder to keep masking in the way I had for years.

I’ve learned that many people begin questioning whether they might be neurodivergent later in life, particularly when strategies they’ve relied on for years no longer seem to work in the same way.

Everyone’s experience is different, though, and recognising yourself in someone else’s story isn’t the same as receiving a diagnosis.

If parts of my experience feel familiar, it may be worth exploring your own experiences and seeking appropriate professional support.

 

I’m Not Broken

Understanding myself helped me stop believing that I was simply broken.

That doesn’t mean I can blame everything that happened in my life on ADHD or autism.

For me, it means I can understand myself better.

And when you understand yourself, you have more opportunity to make different choices.

I didn’t need to become someone else. I needed to understand myself. That distinction has been incredibly important to me.

The People Who Helped Me

One thing I’ll always be grateful for is the people around me.

When I struggled, my family stepped in.

My children were loved. My mum, my sisters, Aunty Bev, Dan and my friends helped carry me through some of the hardest chapters of my life.

Looking back at my life, I can see how many people were quietly helping me when I couldn’t do everything myself. I’ll never stop being grateful for them.

Understanding Yourself Can Change Your Future

I don’t share this part of my story because I want sympathy. I share it because I know there are people who have spent years wondering why they think, feel or cope the way they do.

Maybe you’ve spent years feeling different. Maybe you’ve labelled yourself lazy, difficult, too emotional, too much or simply not good enough.

Maybe you have a history you struggle to understand.

Understanding yourself doesn’t mean excusing everything you’ve done.

It can mean meeting your past with a little more compassion while taking responsibility for what you choose to do next.

Your past can help explain you. It doesn’t have to define you.

For me, understanding myself was the beginning of changing my life.

And I’m still learning. Still growing. Still figuring myself out.

But I no longer believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

And if you’ve spent years feeling that way, I hope you don’t lose hope.

Sometimes understanding yourself is where change begins. 💜

Has understanding yourself ever helped you see your past with a little more compassion?